How to Balance Power & Communicate Clearly

“Which is the greater ecstasy? The man’s or the woman’s? And are they not perhaps the same?”

Almost all of us are socialised male or female. On the whole, the female is conditioned as irrational, caring and emotional but without much practical ability. She is encouraged to compromise herself for others and potentially act passively or passive aggressively. Any anger not fully processed and felt by the female, is still there and is likely to seep out in unhealthy behaviour – shame, mockery, punishments. The male, conversely, is conditioned to communicate his feelings much less. He still has the same maddening depth of feeling, but perhaps struggles to demonstrate this. This may lead to destructive or self-destructive actions, as with the woman. What is overwhelmingly clear is that people are not raised to communicate through these enforced gender stereotypes, and we are brainwashed to respect them as though they are real and entrenched. As it happens, they are arbitrary and divisive.  Processing through these strangling and unhealthy habits that were bred into us is of the utmost importance if any of us are to pursue healthy relationships in our lives.

From my research into the area and from conversations with important people in my life, here are six tips I have for crafting relationships that bring joy to both parties:

Acknowledge the emotion, without judgement

Emotions are not meant to be logical; when you are feeling something you don’t need to judge yourself or instantly rationalise away your emotive responses. Moralistic judgements to the human condition are not particularly helpful. You can let yourself feel – fill yourself up with it. Once you have processed how you feel, it is possible to start to communicate those feelings with compassion for yourself and the other person. Try to understand all points and actions.

Similarly, when somebody else is presenting you with a cloud of feeling, attempt to unravel the message underneath. If they are shouting at you – recognise that. As in, I can see that you are angry, it upsets me that you are not okay, and I would like to work together to find a solution. It is then their responsibility to manage their feelings.

Request

We can tend to fall into patterns of making demands of our partners. Again, this does not help anyone. It can become unhealthy to hold someone to an action because of fear of punishment or consequences if they do not comply. Instead, it is positive when they carry out an action because they know it will bring happiness to both parties. So, once you have recognised your feelings, as above, express them through a request. “I am feeling tired and irritable from work, I would like it if you would cook tonight or we could order in.”

Express anger fully

Not expressing anger is toxic. Disappointment and hurt quickly build up into an unwieldy mess if left unchecked. When the rage is boiling, stop yourself and process the feeling before jumping into violent communication. Once you know what you are feeling – make sure you identify why it has arisen. Then, with empathy and without judgement, request what you need to be okay in future.

Assert boundaries

We can’t expect someone else to know our boundaries or needs. Every single human has different requirements of how to be shown love or affection and our partners will not be able to give us security, stability and kindness in the way that fits our needs if we do not communicate what they are to them.

This is particularly important when it comes to physical contact, sexual intercourse, triggering subjects, or need for space/ intimacy.

Take responsibility

You are responsible for your own needs, happiness and development. You are also responsible for your actions and words. Your partner is responsible for theirs.

The idea of ‘I will take care of me for you’ is compassionate in that it recognises that the other person wants you to be okay and allows for people taking care of each other when necessary, but accepts that the core responsibility for happiness lies within oneself.

Let others voluntarily evolve

Another lovely saying that has stuck with me, that I wandered upon was that ‘love is Letting Others Voluntarily Evolve’. This is a key component of relationship anarchy – acknowledging and responding to shifting needs, desires and circumstances while staying curious and open to new adventures.

Evolution may include things like polyamory, embracing a new primary and letting an old primary relationship shift into something more befitting of the needs of both people at the time or even distancing yourself from a toxic relationship altogether. At risk of sounding like an old hippy, keep an open mind and open heart.

Remember: It is not effective to push change on others. They are not your project. Taking responsibility for saving others is harmful.

Checklist:

I want to leave you with something concrete to arm yourself with for future communication, so here goes. Please use this checklist to fill yourself and others with joy and love:

·       What am I feeling? Why?

·       What are they feeling? Why?

·       What request can I make? What request are they communicating to me?

·       Am I protecting my needs? Asserting my boundaries?

·       Is this the correct environment/ time to discuss this?

·       Is there a power imbalance?

·       Are there moralistic judgements being made on either side?

·       Am I taking responsibility?

·       Am I acting out of compassion for myself and the other person?

·       Does this relationship need to evolve to respond to new needs?

·       Am I trying to save/ change someone?

Sources:
Non-Violent Communication by Marshall B. Rosenburg
Orlando by Virginia Woolf
Tae Love
Sexplanations by Lindsey Doe
Jim Rohn

As featured HERE